I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
