if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
