I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
