i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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