i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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