I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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