I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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