Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
