i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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