So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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