If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
