Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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