dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
