I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
