i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
