Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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