I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
