the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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