I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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