I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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