So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
