I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
