I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
