Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry about my life...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
