sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
