I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
