Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
