Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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