I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
