Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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