im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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