it was like having sex with a tree stump
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Everclear isn't food dammit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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