don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
