her vagina looked like bernie madoff
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
