You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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