I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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