I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
