did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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