The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
