marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
