And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
