she woke up with a sticky ear
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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