So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize