The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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