If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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