Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
