A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
