Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
