I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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