I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
