Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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