it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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