she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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