I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well you can't waste a boner
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
