Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
