I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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