Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
