she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's shark week go big or go home
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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