I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
