your thong is hanging out like whoa
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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