i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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