guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
