he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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