Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
