News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
