saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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