wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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