I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
